It's not just the 'what'; it's also the 'how'.

Words are the content; vocal tone is your mode of delivery.

How often do you listen to yourself? When you see yourself on video or hear yourself on audio? And what’s your reaction when you hear your own voice? Is there a disconnection between how you sound internally vs. how you come across externally? Do you regard yourself as a stranger?

These days, we have many opportunities to see and hear ourselves digitally; either from posting self-recordings online, meeting with others on a video call, seeing ourselves on other people’s videos, or hearing ourselves in recorded talks and interviews. If you’ve done this enough, perhaps you’ve grown accustomed to how you sound and come across. Perhaps you no longer experience that odd curiosity or sense of puzzlement when you hear yourself talk.

Personally, as an actor, I’ve had plenty of opportunities to see and hear myself, particularly after self-taped auditions became the norm. (Ever since COVID, actors record their own auditions and submit them from home.) With self-taped auditions, there’s no choice but to see yourself and notice how you come across. You try to be objective about your own self-expression. I’ll do a take and if I detect that my intention and execution don’t quite align, I'll do another take. Wish that was the case in life!

I’ve also heard myself in media interviews, talking about my books, or my experiences as a spy’s daughter, or my vegan/animal advocacy work. I’ve become slightly more used to how I sound, but I still wince whenever I hear my own voice.

I can think of other professions that involve self-recording as a way to hone vocal delivery. Therapists, public speakers, trial attorneys, and communications professionals come to mind. The focus there is on good communication skills while conducting their respective professions, but becoming familiar with your own self-expression is helpful for all situations.

Tone is your “vocal delivery,” which is an apt description. Tone is how things land.

You might choose your words wisely, but if your tone of voice has a hint of condescension, impatience, dismissiveness, or judgment? Forget about it. An unintentional negative tone (or an interpreted attitude) can prompt confusion, miscommunication, and arguments.

We’ve all had silly and needless arguments instigated by a negative tone of voice. A person says something, the other one reacts, and the first person says something like, “you know that’s not what I meant!" And then you both end up spending an irritating amount of time with the back-and-forths, attempting to clarify, defend, and re-explain what was meant. Total bummer. What could’ve been a simple conversation became a heated one. Good intentions, diluted. All because of an unintended and negative tone of voice.

When vocal tone is out of kilter with a true feeling or intention

Our stream-of-conscious thoughts generally travel straight out of our mouths with little or no filter. We might assume that they come out in the same way we intend, but that’s not always true. There have been occasions when I’ve caught myself after saying something and thought, wow, that sounded a little harsh. That’s not not at all how I felt or intended to sound. My tone was so disconnected with my true intention that it surprised me.

Or, think of this: two people can say the same thing, word-for-word, but come across totally differently. I’ll use this sentence as an example: “You should eat more vegetables.”¹

Depending on the tone of voice, that sentence could sound either kind and concerned; amused and light-hearted; or judgmental and disparaging. In any of those cases, if that’s how the person intends to sound, then fine, so be it. But if not, hello misinterpretation!

Being mindful of how you sound

I’ll repeat a saying that I referenced in my post, “Getting out of a chronic negative thinking pattern”. It goes something like, “if you ran into one asshole during the day, chances are that person was an asshole; but if you ran into three or more assholes that day, chances are you were the asshole.”

Makes me laugh, but it’s true! What kind of mood were you in that day? How were you sounding? It’s all about perspective and being honest with yourself.

Anyway, I chose the topic of an unintended negative tone, because it has come up a few times recently, from different people. It’s good fodder. Also, I originally had a paragraph about misinterpreting cultural vocal tones, but I removed it, because my focus here is strictly on social situations when a personal negative tone is out of synch with true intention.

I’ll add one more thing. When I mention true intention, this includes going into a situation where you know your actual negative feeling or attitude might slip out, and you don’t want that to happen. Knowing yourself and monitoring your tone is important.

So yeah, give yourself a listen. If your vocal tone tends to be interpreted as negative on more occasions than you’d like, here are some off-the-cuff ideas that might help:

• Check in with people you trust who’ve previously commented on your negative tone. Ask how they hear you. What exactly is the tone? (What attitude are they hearing?) Listen for it in your voice. Do you get why? Practice changing the inflection to convey your true intention.

• In conversations, consider your tone from the listener’s side. Ask yourself: how do I want to be heard?

• Focus on coming from love. Always. It’s good practice generally and can be helpful in changing your inflection, too. 💗

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Reading text is another topic entirely. With written text, there is no decipherable tone; thus, the use of emojis. 😊 (They can only go so far.)

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